Mama’s Sort of Back

He’s got curly brown hair and holding on to a red balloon. This little boy running around my bed is about 2 or 3 yrs old. I know its Desmond, but I can’t see his face. I call out to him, and then I wake up. I’m back at the UW hospital. It was all a dream. Tears start flowing again and this time it just won’t stop. Nick wakes up to my crying who is sleeping 2 feet away from me. About the same time the nurse comes in to check my blood pressure. It is sky high still. She tells us, “Ok, you know what, you need to go upstairs and see your son. We can check your blood pressure when you get back. I know its very hard for you right now. Seeing him will make you feel better.”

Nick wheels me up to the NICU. I have a hard time seeing through my puffy eyes. There are 4 to 5 incubators in the room and I only look for my son’s. He’s laying in the incubator sound asleep. I can’t stop crying. I think to myself, “Is he really mine? Did I really just give birth yesterday? Why are we all here? Why can’t I just be like any normal mom who gets to take her child home. Why the heck did I have to get preeclampsia?”

Through my tears the nurse tells us that she saw Desmond poop the biggest poop a premie has ever pooped. This makes me laugh and thought to myself, “Oh Desmond, you don’t even talk yet and already you’re making me laugh.” Nick and I spent some time with him, talking to him, whispering to him, and even placing our hand on his chest and letting him know that we loved him so much. We told him that mama and papa will wait for him to get bigger and stronger so that we can take him home.

That was yesterday. Was that yesterday? I don’t know anymore. The days and nights seem to overlap on itself. I have not slept longer than 4 hours ever since this began. It’s either someone is checking my blood pressure, giving me meds or needing to pump so that Desmond gets the nourishment he needs.

I still have not fully processed what is happening. What keeps me together is getting some milk together for Des. It’s the only thing I know I can do to make me feel that I am his mother. That I do have a son. It’s all so surreal. I have a baby I can’t cuddle whenever I want to. I still haven’t even had the chance to kiss him on the cheek yet. It hurts too much.

Nick has been the best husband ever. He’s the one keeping this family together. Family.. we’re a family now. See I still can’t believe it.  He’s already such a great daddy to Des.  I call him the milk messenger. After every pumping, he goes upstairs to put the milk in the fridge that’s right next to Des’ incubator. And then he spends a little time with him.

I don’t get to spend as much time with him because the doctors are still a little concerned with my blood pressure. It’s still up there. Enough to give me more blood pressure meds. I try to be all zen-like but there’s no way I can be zen if I can’t be with my own son.

I know that through all this, God is still in control. That He’s bigger than everything that I have been worrying about. That He’s got his hand over my son. Taking good care of him when Nick and I can’t.

Thank you for all your prayers, thoughts, messages and just loving on our family. We really really appreciate it and need it. Please pray that Desmond does not forget to breathe. Because he’s a preemie,  that’s what happens. He’s had a couple of episodes today where he’s forgotten to breathe. Nick and I even got to witness that when we were visiting him earlier. How hard it was for me to see him like that. Please pray that Desmond gets big and strong so that we may all get to hold him in our arms really soon.

I will end this post on a good note. The nurse just came in to check my blood pressure and it’s gone down a little bit. That’s good news. Hopefully, it stays that way so that I can be stronger for my little Des.

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6 thoughts on “Mama’s Sort of Back

  1. Thank you for sharing with us your precious moments with baby. I almost wanted to cry because as a mama I know it’s difficult. Just know that baby Des is strong, they are resilient and he will come out as a warrior and God will be glorified through him. Just know we love you, hang in there. We are all here ready to help out in any way. We continue with our prayers.

  2. Ive been praying for yiu throughout the days since you’ve had little D. The one thing that rings to me is how you changed your mind on his name and now you can see why his name really does fit. Amazing how God works in the little things. Desmond is your warrior and his story will be a great one throughout his life. Praying your postpartum is easy and that he grows so fast and strong he will be coming home sooner than expected. We are all waiting to see and hold that sweet baby. Everyone is so eager to help so don’t be afraid to ask. We’re so proud of you Tanya. You’re an awesome mom and woman and how blessed you are to have Nick there to support and love you. You’re marriage and family will be stronger through all of this. Love- F,J,E and W 🙂

  3. Oh hun, just read the last few posts, I went through a box of Kleenex. I had lost your blog address, till now. Geeze, rough… But God has you, nick and that little warrior of yours. Well, maybe we’ll have a pumping party! We love you guys XO

  4. Oh, hun, I just read the last several posts. Went through a box of Kleenex. I knew it was rough, but heart wrenching to a whole other level. Geeze. Well, God has you, Nick and your little warrior in his hands.
    Maybe we’ll have a pumping party! Love ya XO

    • Well don’t I look like an idiot who can work the comments. Well, I really meant every word, do much so I said it twice! No one else loves you that much, just sayin’

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